Essay by a Deadbeat

Hello, I'm a deadbeat. I'm not neat and I have stinky feet. I'm not the kind of person you'd like to meet. I'm scratching my balls right now. What? No. There's nothing you can do about that. It's a free country and I like to scratch my balls... especially while watching Friends. Is that strange? I'm a little deranged but I can't change. By the way, speaking of change, do you have any spare change? I want what Obama wants; CHANGE. But I'm too lazy to make my own change, I want you to give it to me. Because I'm an American. I'm a deadbeat. I don't care about the weather or the news, I care about the Entertainment channel. Allot of important things happen on the Entertainment channel, not a day goes by when a celebrity neglects to take a breath. I think me and Tiger Woods would be buddies. I'm a deadbeat.

Speaking of chickens, when will we ever run out of them? When is the last time somebody counted our chickens? I have a theory that it is not really all of our excess and carelessness that is polluting the world. It's all that goddamn chickenshit. I think that the fucking chickens have a plan see, to take over the world. They play stupid until people stop watching out for them, slowly polluting all of our great dreams with their merciless chickenshit, and then, when we are docile and numbed by the said shit, they pounce. Cartoons take up allot of my time. Who needs God or Freedom when you have a television? It's great, the soul mate of the microwave. It tells me what to buy for my loved ones at Christmas time... right after it shows me how some terrorist killed six hundred and sixty-six Jews. It can speak more languages than I can and it can be more sexy than a supermodel. Ah, I'm a deadbeat.

I like money. Without money I can't buy fast food. Fast food is proof that God wanted Man to be fat. Whisky is evidence that God wanted to be entertained by Man's misfortune. Money is a golden cow, and I like both beefsteak and gold. I'm a deadbeat and I buy things. Lots of things. Pretty things... and ugly things. I don't care... I just want some fucking things. And there is not a damn thing anyone can do about it. That's what we call the American Dream. If I had to be a whore to survive, I probably would be. Wouldn't you? It's easy money. Who needs faith when you worship the Almighty Dollar Sign? Come on down and kneel at its shrine as you sip on the finest wine. Come on. I'm lonely down here. We're all a little lonely down here sometimes.

Speaking of lonely, the opposite of lonely is sexy time. I'm a deadbeat and I think that sex will save the human race. Peace, love, sex drugs and rock and roll baby. That's how we need to fix shit. I mean, sex sells more products than honesty does, after all. And if something sells, you know you have to hook up with it. Maybe if I had more sex I wouldn't be so angry at that bastard that cut me off the other day as I was on my way to McDonald's. Give me sex. Now. Fast and easy, the American way.

I'm sure glad that when you mix Red, White, and Blue together you don't get brown. Then we'd really be in the toilet. I'm a deadbeat but at least I'm proud about it. If somebody fucks with me I will beat them over the head with a large stick and call it even. Carry a big stick, as old Theodore said. If you carry a big stick then you can whack the shit out of communists with it. That's the American Dream in action buddy. Like I said, I'm an American. I'm a deadbeat. Beneath all of my materialistic shallowness, there is something pure and right about who I am. There is some golden principle buried beneath all of my chickenshit. Caught inside the buzzing confines of my TV screen, there is a rare innovation that the world has seldom seen, a driving force which, for the moment, has mesmerized all the world. As I sit in my EZ-Chair and gobble down hot-fries, I am subconsciously taking part in the Great Test of the human character- by far the largest and most diverse civilization ever to attempt Democracy. Somebody smart once said that "a democracy is only as great as the integrity of its people." Well here I am. I'm sitting on a ripe peach in the Promise Land, sucking the tit of the world so hard and so vigorously that soon it will be dried and withered and I don't care. After all, I'm a deadbeat. I don't deny it.